If someone tells you that they’re struggling with something, you should absolutely avoid saying, “Oh everyone struggles with that. I struggle with that.” I know you think you're being supportive and trying to let them know that their neurodivergence isn't impacting them as badly as they think, that it's something that happens to all of us, but what you're actually doing is dismissing and minimising their experience as a neurodivergent person.

The way that we neurodivergent people experience the world isn't some wild, completely separate experience from neurotypical people. It's on a continuum – on a spectrum. There’s a reason why that terminology gets used so much. We have the same experiences, they’re just at a greater extreme.

For example, everyone struggles to drive when they first start learning. It takes a while to work out what your body and your brain need to do, and how to do those things together. But if it takes you eight years to learn how to drive – like it did me – then something else is going on. You’re experiencing the same thing as other people, but to a much greater degree, and it will have a much greater impact on you. The same principle can be applied to many workplace scenarios.

So now that you know what not to do, what should you do instead?

One of the most powerful things is to offer your help. You can just say, “How can I help?” or “Is there anything I can do to help?” They may say no, and that's totally fine. 

If you're their manager, it’ll be a slightly different conversation. If they’re letting you know that they’re struggling, the chances are they’re looking for support, and that’s something you’ll need to work through together.

And it's really important that it’s an offer of help – not you telling them that you're going to take it off their plate. The chances are they’re able to do it, there’s just something in particular they need help with. But equally, when you have that discussion, they may express that they’re struggling so much that they don’t know if they can continue, and that’s another conversation.

Bear in mind that a lot of neurodivergent people – particularly those who are diagnosed later in life, as many people in the workplace are – don’t necessarily know what support or accommodations they need. So working through those things together is incredibly important, and it will take time. You’re not going to get it right at first, and you’ll have to make adjustments as you go.

And of course, always remember that not every neurodivergent person is the same. We can present in totally opposite ways, even though we’re all neurodivergent. You just have to keep talking, keep learning about each other, and keep working on how best to work together.